Google auto complete - your frustrations...

Justa quick post from the trenches my friends. I've had lots of complaints about Internet Explorer, and it's auto complete function - "bring back IE7" the users say. On later inspection, in turns out it's NOT IE8, but Google's automatic completion in it's search bar. This is very difficult to turn off, but you can get round it by setting your home page to...

http://www.google.co.uk/webhp?complete=0

This will turn it off before it even starts... :)

Smoke gets in your eyes... and fans... and power supplies...

You all know the score. If you smoke, everyone else is at the risk of becoming PASSIVE SMOKERS - that is, if you smoke around someone, they too can share in the exotic toxic cloud you enjoy.

Now, I'm not here to stop you smoking - good God no. I may not agree with it, but free choice, "power to the people" etc., means I will not preach at you about how you abuse your bodies. Your computer, on the other hand, is another matter...

Dust is the computer engineer's worst enemy. Dust can turn a fabulously running piece of kit into a slovenly malfunctioning heap of scrap metal that sits in the corner of your living room like a teenager waiting for his/her allowance. Dust does this by creating electrical shorts, or by stopping the computer from shedding heat.

Now, imagine dust mixed with Marmite.

That's what happens to the insides of your computer if you smoke - the insides become covered in a thin layer of sticky tar that attracts dust like a doughnut attracts flies. The result is a sticky, grimy mess that's almost impossible to shift with anything other than a blowtorch. Once that gets into your computer, it's only a matter of time before problems start developing. Power supplies start to overheat, memory fails, fans slow down...

If you want to see just how bad it can get, take a look at these Ventblockers.

**Shudders **

The moral? Don't smoke around your PC...

My printer's stopped working, or "50 ways to leave your paperrrr..."

I.T. Specialists have a condition, called "Printer Shudder". It's a very common condition, which results in cold sweats, palpitations and indigestion, and is usually triggered by a certain phrase...

"My printer's stopped working."

At this point, many professionals hardened by a life in the trenches, under constant fire from users, managers & suppliers, have lost the will to live, and have ended their lives using the ancient japanese rite of Hari-Epson-ki (death by a thousand paper cuts).

To ease their ancient burden (and to prevent many a premature, and stingy death), we present to you everything you (as a user) need to know about your printer.

First off, you have 3 basic types of printer -

• Dot Matrix - these print onto paper by punching blunt pins through a inked ribbon, to create characters on your page. Old, but still useful in some cases...
• Ink Jet - these spray small dots of ink onto your page - usually in varying colours. These are the most common home printers...
• Laser - these create a image of your printed page on a special drum using static electricity - the drum is then covered in black powder called toner which sticks to the static image. The drum then transfers the toner to a paper page, which is then heated to fuse the toner to the page as ink.
• Colour Laser - same as a normal laser, but the image is seperated into 4 distinct colours (black, cyan, magenta and yellow), before fusing to the page.
  

Most common problems....

• Connection - make sure your printer is connected to your computer - no connection, no printee...
• Installation - you have installed the printer software for your operating system haven't you? No? Really? Good Grief! Go back to GO, do not pass GO, do not collect £200...
• Power - don't laugh! You have turned the printer on haven't you...
• Paper - make sure you have loaded the paper according to the manual...
• Is the printer ready? Usually, there is a light that shows the printer is ready to print - if that light is not shining, check your printer documentation (you might need to press one of the buttons on the printer to get it going you know...)

Not so common problems...

• Paper Jams - no matter how good you are with your printer, you will have paper jams - it's a fact of life. However, when clearing a paper jam, remember the following...
  • Remove paper slowly and carefully
  • Do not use sharp objects to poke anywhere in the paper path - seriously!
  • Look very carefully for foreign objects (such as paper clips, screws, pins, pencils, coins, sweets, condoms - I'm not kidding here...)
• Faulty ink cartridges - try wiping any electrical contacts with a lint free cloth, or even better, isopropyl alcohol. Replace the cartridges as a last resort...
  
• Marks on toner drums (you can try wiping these off with a lint free cloth.
• Refilled Inks/Toners - I know inks/toners are expensive, but refills are always problematic - any problems, replace with an new cartridge.
• Print Quality - normally cured by using a new ink/toner cartridge - especially true with HP printers...
  

As with many things in life, printers are not rocket science. Simple common sense wins through everytime with these little beasties, but if all else fails, at least they are cheap to buy...

The low down on memory...

If you've worked in support for any length of time, you'll have had a similar conversation to this at least once...

User: Hi there - My computer says it's low on memory
Support: No problem. How much memory does it have?
User: 250 Gigabytes
Support: (groans) No, how much physical memory does your machine have?
User: I told you, 250 Gigs.
Support: (sighs) That's not your memory, that's your hard disk...

OR...

User: Hi There - My computer says it's running low on disk space
Support No problem. How much space do you have free?
User: 4 Gig.
Support: Ok - delete everything from the temporary area.
User: Done!
Support: How much space fo you have free now?
User: 4 Gig.
Support: What? You've just deleted 30 Gigs of porn - you can't still have 4 Gig left...

...And so on...

Why do we receive these calls? Simply because there is confusion in the user's eye between Memory and Storage space, so let's address the problem with our little handy-dandy guide to all things Gigabyte...

Computers need to able to store information, otherwise, they simply couldn't function (and what would be the point in that). Computers need 2 basic types of storage space; storage that can be accessed almost instantly, and storage where the access time doesn't matter. With me so far?

Fast Storage is what we call Random Access Memory (RAM) or Physical Memory - that is, very fast, silicon chip storage space that the computer can use to store data. RAM is very, very fast and volatile i.e. the data only exists in storage as long as electrical power is supplied, which makes RAM ideal for storing data that the computer needs short term e.g. running programs, calculations etc...

In contrast, Slow Storage is used for data that needs to be non-volatile i.e. available to the system after power is removed. The most common form of Slow Storage is in the form of Hard Disk space, which we use to store the Operating System e.g. Windows 7, the programs we wish to use, and the data for those programs that we want to keep (such as photographs). Hard Disks are basically a collection of metal platters which store data magnetically.

Fast Storage is expensive, which is why you have quite a bit less of it than cheap and plentiful Slow Storage. The more Fast Storage you have, the faster your machine will run, but be warned - each machine has a limit on how much Fast Storage it can use.

You may have heard of Flash Drives, USB Sticks or Solid State Drives - these are all forms of Slow Storage that are either faster, more portable, or more reliable than normal Hard Disks. CD / DVD's are Slow Storage that are designed to be read only (you can't put data on them) or read many / write once in the case of DVD / CD writers.

So why the confusion? Simply because both types of storage are measured using the same scale - the Byte. 1 Byte can store a small amount of information (such as a character). 1 MegaByte = 1 Million Bytes (approximately) and 1 GigaByte = 1000 MegaBytes (also approximately), so as you can see, 250 GigaBytes is a lot of information!

Don't get me started on TeraBytes (1000 GigaBytes)... :)

Sorry for the lack of updates recently...

...been very busy at work. Two new posts will be available soon, once I get the cartoons done, so keep checking!

"I'll send you the password via email..."

It's 4.55 p.m. on a wet and windy Friday night, somewhere in the great metropolis, and you're coming to the end of a long working week. In just 5 minutes time, you'll be going home, ready to enjoy the promise of a weekend you have been planning for months. The hotel room is booked, the kids have been shipped off to your sister-in-law, and the wife has been out shopping today at that new Ann Summers shop in the high street - life really is good.

Just as you're about to go home, the phone rings. It rings in that particular way that it does when it's Dave - good old Dave in Accounts. Dave who got you into trouble last week for sending you that link that was so "Not Safe For Work", and which took Brian in I.T. 3 days to repair the aftermath of...

"I need the password for the Director's pension file..."

Why NOW?! All you can think about is what colour undies may be waiting for you tonight...

"I'll send you the password by email" you hear yourself say. As you're about the press the send button, out of the corner of your eye you can see Brian from I.T., wielding a baseball bat, and wearing a malicious grin...

Now that I have your attention, as I gently fondle my very own baseball bat, I think the time has come to tell you the truth.

Email is not secure.

There - I've said it. I know you use it every day, and I know you can't live without it, but it is not safe. When you send an email, it travels in a plain text format - that is, it is completely readable by anyone. This is necessary because email has to travel between varying systems, that utilize varying technologies - it simply can't travel any other way, and by default, when we send an email, it travels in plain text. Therefore, sending a password by email is like you throwing your front door key into a crowd whilst shouting "that's for number 29 folks - help yourselves!"

So, how do we send a password (or a document) safely via email, if we have no other choice? Well, we disguise it, by using encryption. Encryption is a method where we turn some piece of data into something unrecognizable, and then change it back again later on. Encryption options depend upon the type of email client you are using, so I can't really give specifics, but google is your friend - just look up email encryption options for your email client, most are based on some sort of PGP Public / Private Key encryption or Digital ID's.

Failing that, create a document, place the password in the document, and use an archiving solution like Winzip, WinRAR or 7Zip to generate a password protected archive containing the document, which you can then send in an email. Then just phone up the person and give them the password to the archive.

That's all 'till next time folks. Remember, stay safe - or me and "my little friend" may have to have a word with you... ;)

COOKIIIEEEEESS!

Just found this on Mike Lynch's Blog - Just goes to prove that computer manufacturers (sometimes) have a sense of humour too...

"Downloading music isn't illegal, is it?"

Do you remember the 80's? The smell of vinyl, the lure of cover art, the art of noise? Less than £1 a single, and £5 for a LP? I'm sure you do, and that you've just floated back on a wave of nostalgia (hopefully not shouting "WIILLSONNNN!")... Do you remember the kick up that was made about taping music on cassette? "IT'S PIRACY!" they screamed, and oh, how we laughed, 'cos we knew better...

Times have changed. The digital era is here, and music is available anyway you want it - CD, DVD, direct download to your IPod, and it's all free...

Of course, it isn't. Times have changed, but the music business hasn't. The record companies and the artists still want to make money, so they charge for their music - the only fair way to do it. You go and by the CD - that's fine, because you're paying for the privilege of listening. You RIP that CD to your IPod - that's fine (I think), because you've paid for the original. You give the ripped files to someone else - now the problems start, because that's illegal.

Downloading music is fine - provided you have either a) paid for it or b) the artist says it's free to download. Everything else is piracy - period. No ifs or buts. Download music illegally and you may as well steal a copy from a store, because that's what you're doing - stealing.

By the way, this argument also covers Software for your computer - unless it says it's free in the license agreement, you gotta pay for it somehow pal...

Bottom line - if you like the music, go and BUY it. If you don't your favourite band may not be here for long...

"I need Office / Photoshop to..."

I'm a computer nerd, and I'm over 40, with numerous offspring. That means I have one thing missing from my life....CASH! How many of you have come home from a hard days graft, only to have said offspring corner you in a manor not unlike that of the S.A.S on an embassy mission, brandishing requests for moolah faster than a Heckler & Koch MP5 machine pistol? Go on, raise your hands (those that are able too)...

We're over 40, and we're skint. So WHY OH WHY do we have to keep hearing this question?

"I've got a word document - I need Microsoft Word to open that - how much is it to buy - have you got a copy?" or "I've got a photograph to edit - I need Photoshop to edit it - how much is it, or have you got a copy I can borrow?"

Let's get one thing straight from the off. Yes, Microsoft created "Word", and Adobe currently own "Photoshop" and yes, they are good products - but you don't actually need them to open word documents, or photos - they are just the most popular programs used for word processing / graphics, mainly because they are used in business, where money is not really an object. They have become what's known as "the industry standard", which is company speak for "it works for us", and the file formats they use, are also the most commonly used.

But (and it's a very big but), there are other programs out there that we can use to edit word documents, or excel spreadsheets, or photographs, or anything you like - you just have to know where to find them. I'm going to introduce you to a new phrase, and that phrase is...

Open Source

Open Source is more of a movement, than a phrase. It's a philosophy for software creation. In short, it means that anyone can modify an existing Open Source program, provided the modifications (and the source code that has been changed) is made freely available, for nothing. Open Source is powerful, because it puts the power of software back into the hands of the users. You need something done - someone somewhere has probably already created that will do it for you, for nothing. Open Source has even given birth to Operating Systems, such as Linux! Open Source has lot's of success stories, and I'm going to introduce you to two of them.

LibreOffice is an Open Source competitor to Microsoft Office. It can create, edit and save office documents in many formats (including Microsoft Office) and even looks and feels the same to use, but it's completely free. My kids have used it for homework, and I've used it for business - why pay for Microsoft Office, when this exists?

The second success story is GIMP. GIMP stands for Gnu Image Manipulation Program, and is the nearest thing available to Photoshop that is free. It can manipulate photos, create stunning artwork, and 9 times out of 10, it can do everything photoshop can, for everyone up to the level of professional artists. I use it all of the time, in fact, the cartoons featured in this blog were adjusted by GIMP.

Do you (and your pocket) a favour. Before you get suckered into the big boys, look into Open Source alternatives - you won't be disappointed, and you'll save a ton. Right, time to open my copy of GIMP and create my next masterpiece - mega stardom, here I come...

"I went on this great site last night... and now I've got a virus/trojan!"

It's late at night. Creeping downstairs (so as not to disturb the wife), you slink into the living room, intent solely on your goal - a bit of late night surfing. Time to go on those sites that you know you shouldn't - like that one that Dave in Accounts sent you the link for. Surreptitiously, you enter in the website address, and click the enter key...

... Only to find that your computer has now spawned more windows than Everest, and is intent on letting the whole world know that you went on sheepsh*ggers.com - oh, and is that the sound of your beloved's sweet footfall on the stairs on her way to investigate what the scream of "NOOOOOOH!" was all about...

OK - for our third (and final) part of this article, were going to look at what to do if you suspect you have a virus or Trojan. The first question I'm often asked is "what's the difference?". Well, a virus is a program that is intent on replicating itself to other computers without the user's knowledge, in a similar way that a real virus infects your body, and passes itself on to the next person (like the flu). A Trojan (named after the famous wooden horse of Troy) is a virus that wants to do more than just replicate - it wants control of your computer for it's author's use, and by it's definition, a Trojan is more serious.

The first thing to do is to ascertain if your computer is infected. The best way to do this is also the best way to fix it, and by that, I mean "scan your computer for viruses". If you haven't already done so, install a anti-virus solution like AVG, and run a full scan for viruses. Once the scan has finished, you'll have the option of either quarantining the viruses found, or removing them from your computer - either is an acceptable solution.

Now that you've installed / run your anti-virus solution, make sure you keep it up to date by downloading the latest virus signatures - if you don't do this on a regular basis, all the hard work you just did will be undone very quickly, so check your anti-virus's documentation on how to keep up to date.

The next thing is to search your computer for Adware - these are programs that are not technically Trojans, but are the next best things - programs that want you to buy a product, by hijacking your PC and pointing you to the authors website. Because Adware is specialized, you'll need a specialized tool to deal with it - my favourite is SpyBot S&D, because it's thorough, and it works. Install it, update it, and run a full scan, then fix any errors it finds.

9 times out of 10 the above methods should sort you out. If they don't try looking at www.pchell.com - here you'll find lot's of useful information on viruses, Trojans, and other annoying PC specific problems that may be affecting you.

Right, I'm now off to disinfect my computer - with a blow-torch. You can't be too careful you know...

Safe browsing - it's like safe sex really...

As I don my White Coat for the second part of this subject, I liken myself to a sexual health worker (the white coat has a multitude of uses), trying to prevent the spread of STDs in a sexually permissive teenage society - it doesn't matter how many times you repeat the "Safe Browsing" message - some are still going to ignore you. However, we must try, so bend over dear reader...

Safe browsing of the Internet relies on several things:

• Keep your browser up to date
• Keep your computer up to date
• Consider a different browser
  
• Keep your anti-virus up to date
• Use a firewall
  
• Configure your browser properly
• Configure your computer properly
• Show restraint

The first two are no-brainers. Always try and keep your computer up to date with the latest patches, and do the same with your browser. For Windows, this usually means running Windows Update either automatically, or frequently. I'm not kidding when I say that new flaws in Windows are being found every day - for goodness sake, Microsoft even have an official day of the month - Patch Tuesday - where they release fixes for discovered vulnerabilities.

Internet Explorer is not the only browser out there. Many years ago, when Windows (and the Internet) were young, a browser software battle was fought, and Internet Explorer was the winner - not because it was the best, but because it was bundled with Windows, and because Windows had the biggest market share of computer operating systems. The problem however, is that Microsoft, in their infinite wisdom, choose to tie in the browser with the operating system, to the point where it had a dangerously high level of access to your computer - a situation that still exists. If you want safer browsing, one of the best ways is to change your browser to another, and for that, I recommend Mozilla Firefox. Not only is it quick, it is (by definition) safer (it's not tied to the operating system), and there are add-ons that actually make it even safer - it's NoScript add on for example, lets you control which scripts are allowed to run on your browser (stopping unallowed scripts is one of the best preventative measures for safe browsing I have ever seen).

Antivirus is not an option anymore - it's a requirement for Windows, to the point where Windows itself will let you know if you have no antivirus present (look out for a red circle with a cross in your system tray - dead give away). You don't have to spend a fortune though - most new computers come with Norton or McAfee pre-installed, which does cost, but you can uninstall these and use a free antivirus solution, such as AVG or Avast.

Using a firewall is a must. For those of you who don't know, a firewall protects your computer from being attacked directly by other computers. If you use a Router to access the Internet, rather than a ADSL modem, chances are you are already behind a firewall - check your router documentation. If not, it's a good idea to use at least the built in Windows Firewall, or if not, a separate solution like ZoneAlarm

Configuring your browser properly is just a case of making sure it can't do anything you don't want it too. That means...

• Not allowing pop-up windows
• Not installing unnecessary browser add-ons (such as search toolbars)
• Making sure the security options are not too lax

Most browsers these days have default settings that are quite good - again, look into the documentation for your browser for help if you think you may be at risk.

The hardest thing though to implement, is the last - showing restraint. Simply put, it means this...

• Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

This is rule of thumb #2, and it's a doozy. In short, as a user, you can go anywhere you want, install anything you want - but should you? That new file-sharing bit torrent client looks great... but do I really need it? What if it contains a virus? Ooh, Dave in accounts says that new site - "latinosheepsh*ggers.com" is fab - but what if it's a malicious website (come to think of it, what is Dave thinking about)... You get the idea. In the war against the Internet sharks, common sense is your greatest weapon.

In part 3, we'll discuss what to do if you think you have a trojan/virus. For now, I'm off for a scrub and hosedown...

"Is the Internet safe?"

Occasionally, I don the White Coat of Hope, and go onto the masses, in my ordained role of IT Support Reverend, and perform the sacred rite of FixemUp. On many of these occasions, my brethren will impart unto me their woes, and one of the most frequent woes is spoken thus:

"Is the Internet safe?"

In computing circles, this is almost an ecclesiastical question of the highest magnitude - it's like asking "Is their a God?", or more relevently "If I go swimming, will I be bitten by a shark?" Answers to this question have started heated debates ending in blood, tears, injury and lawsuits. Actually, the "shark" analogy is probably the most accurate - let me explain further...

The Internet is huge - take my word for it, it's like the Ocean. Finding what you're looking for is like swimming in the sea looking for a shipwreck of a pirate vessel loaded with gold dubloons - without maps or directions, you'd be lost, poor and wet. Search engines like Google then, are our friends, because they provide the maps for us to navigate the Internet ocean. Most of the time (as far as we are concerned), the sea is safe, and shark free.

However, as any diver, or watcher of Shark Week or Open Water will tell you, always lurking beneath the waves are the sharks - viruses, trojans, adware, phishing sites, porn - all swimming with you, but out of sight most of the time, but all hungry for blood. It's the foolish diver who starts throwing in bloody fish guts, just before he throws himself into the water... but in computing terms, the average user is doing this same thing every day. Lets look at the evidence...

• Most people that browse use Microsoft Windows (nothing wrong with that) - an operating system that is easy to use, but where the home user (by default) has ADMINSTRATIVE POWER - great news for the shark, as all he has to do is to trick the user into running a program that will let the shark in - tantamount to giving the shark the keys to your shark cage...
• Windows needs to be constantly updated to keep it secure - forget, and the sharks will sense blood. Trouble is, users have a habit of turning things off - like automatic updates. Forget to update, and that shark spear gun you were carrying will shoot you in the foot...
• Most people use Internet Explorer - the most well known, abused, insecure browser that exists - to access the Internet. Never mind giving the sharks the key to the shark cage - the shark is now on the boat, wearing life support, and carrying UZIs...

Add all these together, and you may as well be wearing a blood-soaked wet suit, with bloody, raw steak tied to your weights belt, banging a dinner gong and shouting "YOO-HOO SHARKIES - COME TO PAPA!" - Quinn would be turning in his grave I tell you...

However, you can take precautions, and swim safely - and in the next installment, we'll discuss how. I'm off to buy a bigger boat...

Recovery Disks - DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!

When you're over 40, you develop a sense of maturity. You've raised your children wisely and well (Stephanie is currently working towards her exams, whilst trying to hide the fact that she's six months pregnant: Tristan is doing well with his plastering diploma he's working towards at Borstal, and young Brendan - well, we're not sure but, well, you know...). You've worked solidly towards building a lovely home (despite that wet patch in the ceiling), and life seems good. You know that nothing phases you, because you're a mature, sensible adult.

And then you buy a computer. I don't know if it's genetics, old age, or sheer bloody-mindedness, but everything you've learned in the last 40+ years of your life, dissolves, Spielberg-like, into the middle distance. Notifications are ignored, warnings unheeded, as you continue further into computer nirvana - especially this really annoying one about recovery disks - right click, don't tell me again sunshine, I'm the one in charge...

Fast forward to now - it's late, and your computer has crashed - again! You look at the manual / talk to your tech guy / phone a friend, and they say...

"Hey, no problem - just use the Recovery Disks."

At this point, cats have been known to jump through closed windows, rather than face the tirade of abuse and possible life-threatening hurled missiles that follow that phrase - because you didn't create them, did you?

Back in the good old days, when you purchased a new computer, you were given a set of floppy disks / CD's which contained a full version of your operating system - this was when technical support actually cared - maybe because they weren't jaded by years of supporting 40+ users yet. Nowadays, in efforts to stop piracy and make your life harder, manufacturers seldom do this - instead, they give you the option of doing this yourself by creating your own set of recovery disks, using your DVD burner (this applies even if you haven't got a DVD burner i.e. if you have a netbook - "it's no excuse you know" your manufacturer will say...)

Do yourself the ultimate favour - create the recovery disks, because if your hard drive does fail, you may have to pay (yes, that's "PAY") to get a set from your manufacturer. There's no more bitter pill to swallow than that which costs you money - twice.

"My computer runs so slowly..."

Computers are like marriages. First comes the initial spark of true love, where your computer can do NOTHING wrong - it's fast, exciting, and makes you go weak at the knees. Then comes the wedding, where you shower it with gifts like new hard drives, better expansion options, a dedicated place to sit (a new IKEA desk, rather than that tatty old thing you used to use...)

But later comes the 7 month itch. Your computer has become slow, lethargic, and lazy. You yearn for the days when it used to want to dress up for you, wear provocative desktops, whisper sweet nulls in your ear, but now all you get is moaning...

"I'm running out of memory!"
"Stop pushing my buttons, I can only do one thing at a time!"
"Your email is in the recycle bin!"

Your eyes start wandering, and you start looking at the porno mags, like PC PRO... (taking the analogy a bit to far aren't we...Ed)

As any good marriage counselor will tell you, it's about give and take - that is, it's about what resources you have and what resources are actually required. For a computer to run programs quickly, it needs the following...

• Free memory
• Free processor cycles
• Non-fragmented disk space
• Fast access to hardware

Free memory is the single, most important thing you require, which is why it's usually the first thing that's upgraded. Computers need memory space to do anything - think of memory as paper sheets that you write on. Every time that you need to make a note, you get a fresh piece of paper, and you keep using fresh sheets because it's easier. That's great, but what happens when you run out of sheets - you've got nothing more to write on. "Oh dear, I can't write that note to dear Aunt Jessie..."

Computers have a way of getting around this, called paging. What that means is that instead of using physical memory chips for memory, it copies some of it's memory onto your hard disk, which is analogous to our paper sheets being placed into a filing cabinet, and more paper sheets (that we've erased with a pencil) being brought out from another filing cabinet. The problem with this process is that it's sloooooooooowwww, so instead of our filing cabinet being in the same room, it's actually in another room - in another house - in the sea - of tranquility - on the moon. Aunt Jessie's really going to get that note now...

In short then, paging too much is not a good thing. Not only is it slow, but the computer is wasting it's time - which is where processor cycles come in. A processor cycle is simply a unit of time that computer can use to do something constructive. New, modern computers have CPU's (Central Processor Units) that can perform an incredible number of operations (or cycles) every second, but those precious cycles are easily lost through wastage, so instead of doing something useful, they could be being used to display a screen saver, or play a tune, or download crap from sharing sites. It's important then that if you want your computer to run efficiently, you should always make sure that you are only running what you have to - the infamous rule of thumb #1.

We've mentioned fragmented disk space - this is relatively low on on the list, but it still applies in some cases. Remember our paper filing cabinet analogy? Well, when you were filing your paper sheets, you didn't care where you put them. They are all over the place, and whenever you want to find that note to Aunt Jessie, you have to search through several filing cabinets to find the sheets you need - that's fragmentation, and it happens to your hard disk. The older / more abused your computer gets, the more fragmented (and slower) your hard disk becomes. At this point, defragging your hard disk (essentially resorting the disk space) becomes a viable option, but DON'T SWITCH OFF WHILST YOU'RE DOING IT!!!!

Fast access to hardware basically means making sure your computer can talk to it's peripherals (like hard disks or DVD / optical drives) quickly, and is the last thing that *could* slow a computer down. It could be that you have the wrong driver for the peripheral, or that something else is hammering it whilst you're trying to use it.

With all this is mind, let's look at a couple of vict.. er, case studies. Mr. X came to me, complaining that his XP machine was slow - on examination, it turned out that his task tray (that's the little area on the bottom right of the windows desktop) had so many icons that it covered the entire taskbar! It seems Mr. X loved his gadgets, and had been trawling around the freeware sites looking for interesting ones, and then installing them - the trouble is that each one of these icons is a program that requires memory and processor cycles, so un-installing these programs made the machine responsive again.

Mrs. Y had a new laptop (less than 3 months old) that was so slow, it took 25 minutes to load! In this case, windows explorer had somehow been nobbled (possibly by a trojan, or a rogue game) to the point where the hard disk light was constantly on - a sure sign of excessive hard disk activity. In this case, the only thing to do was to recover the machine to a factory fresh state by using the recovery disks.

What's that? Recovery disks? Surely you know... ...Oh dear... **clickety-clickety..**

Impatience - the greatest computer killer of all...

It's been a long day. You're tired, your boss has been on your back about that job that came in late, and the traffic was bad on the way home. To top it all, you've just had a barney with your partner about TV / dinner / the in-laws / the kids / their dopey brother who's just come to stay and eaten all the cheese. To relax (who are you trying to kid here...Ed) you turn on your computer to do a bit of surfing...

... and a couple of minutes later, you're still waiting... ...the bloody thing must be locked up again - I'll reboot it...

...oh God, it's rebooting again... .. and again... ...AND AGAIN! ARRRGGHH!

Welcome to the greatest computer killer of them all - Impatience.

Computers are supposed to be lightning fast - after all, everything in them runs at the speed of electricity - but unfortunately, we will insist on actually using them. We install countless little gadgets, gizmos, and thingummies that all take time to start up when your computer boots, and to make matters worse, we then try and do something positive, like web browsing. The poor computer tries to do what you want, but it's now approaching the point where too many things are asking for resources.

So it stalls you. It starts queueing the requests (if you're British, you should be used to queueing for God's sake), dealing with them as best it can. Systems requests, like updates to the Operating System or Anti Virus usually get first choice, at which point, your computer slows down to a crawl - it is of course, at this point, that we take the loaded gun of impatience, and shoot ourselves in the foot with it by hitting the "reset" button - effectively telling the computer to stop ANYTHING it's doing (including writing to your hard drive), and start again. It's no surprise then, to see your computer getting it's knickers in a twist as it tries to go through it all over again.

A word of advice from the experts. Computers very seldom "lock up and die" - they can go off for long sulks though (think of your partner after a blazing row and you might come close). To see if you're computer is really frozen, check the following...

• Can you turn the num lock on and off (the num lock is a little key on the right hand side of a normal keyboard, in the little separate calculator keypad with the numbers - if you press it, a little light on the keyboard should go on or off, showing the state of the numeric keypad)
• Do you see ANY lights flickering on the computer (not just on, but actually flickering - these lights may show the state of a hard drive, or network device)
• Will the mouse move at all

If you can say "yes" to any of these, there's a 95% chance that your computer is NOT "locked up". If in doubt, wait 20 minutes - the chances are that any important tasks should have finished by then, and you'll be OK to reboot.

Now then, I fancy a cheese and pickle sandwich. Hang on a minute, where's that block of farmhouse cheddar gone...

"Have you turned it off and on again?"

"Have you turned it off and on again?"

We've all heard the standing joke in computer circles (or at, whilst you've been watching "The IT Crowd"). I'm sure your best friend / partner / lover has mentioned it to you when you've been struggling to cope with the endless problems that have been plaguing you with your beloved computer since you switched on this morning. Through clenched, gritted teeth, you have replied, as nonchalantly as possible...

"Of course I have..."

Only you haven't, have you? Until they mentioned it, it never crossed your mind. Guiltily, and as quietly as possible, you hit the reset switch... and marvel, as everything starts working again...

There's a very good reason why this piece of urban legend actually works in 95% of cases, with everything from PC's to satalite boxes to mobile phones. Simply put, you're allowing your computer to get itself reorganized in the way it beleives it should be. The result: a once slow and dying machine is magically transformed into a fast, working computer - at least until you start loading programs again. One word of warning - make sure you use this as a last resort, as too many people believe that this is the first thing you should try - not true. Shut your machine down cleanly, rather than hitting the reset switch or power button first - it will save you from developing bald patches...

"Hey I've got a new computer - now what?"

Let's be honest with ourselves.

If you're over 40, you're a technophobe. You may not realize it yet, but admission of this simple fact is going to save you pain and suffering in the long run. TV remotes confuse us, to the point where when the battery runs low, we try and press the buttons harder, just to force that last erg of energy in the device into use by shear force of will. Microwaves mystify us, phones perplex us, and children's toys fascinate us - we're hopeless, and we've just gone and bought ourselves a piece of technology that we're not even sure we want (we only bought it because Dave in accounts has one, and he said it was the best thing since sliced bread...).

So, what do we do with it?

Firstly, let's identify the type of computer you have...

• Desktop - This is a computer which has a separate box, screen, keyboard & mouse. The Desktop is usually more powerful than other types of computer (depending on how much money you spent) and can be expanded (added to), but requires a dedicated area in the house (like a desk, or table)...
• Laptop - This computer has a screen and keyboard, connected by a hinge, clam shell style. It usually has most of the features of a desktop (DVD drive, card ports, USB ports) but is usually not as powerful.
• Notebook/ Net book - This computer looks like a very small laptop. It (usually) has no DVD drive, and is less powerful than the laptop. Net books are smaller than notebooks.

If your computer doesn't match any of the above, your either a very rich person (I hate you already) or you have a computer that was probably designed by DaVinci himself - either way, you're reading the wrong blog...

This is all what we term hardware - the physical bits of the machine. You also need software - a set of instructions for the computer that turn it from a piece of electronic junk, into something we can use (if temporarily). You have two types of software...

• Operating Systems - to use a computer for anything, we need a way of controlling it, and this is where the Operating System (or O/S) comes in. The Operating System controls the hardware, so getting the right Operating System for the level of hardware in your computer is vital - too powerful, and your computer will slow to a crawl, too weak, and you won't be able to use the computer for anything. Desktops tend to use "Premium" editions of Operating Systems (i.e. you pay more money for functionality that was included in the last release for free) where net books use "Home" editions (all the bits that you may actually find useful have been nobbled). Whatever you have it will probably be too powerful for your machine, as Computer companies tend to ship whatever flavour of O/S that is in season - not necessarily the one that runs the quickest/ does the most.
  
• Applications - Sometimes called Programs. Applications are software that allows us to perform a task, from word processing to web browsing, gaming to art. Again, if the software is too powerful for the machine, the machine will slow to a crawl...

As I come from a PC background, let's look at what's available for the PC in terms of O/S. Most people with a PC run a flavour of Microsoft Windows, and you are probably one of them. Currently, the flavour of the month is Windows 7, but your PC could also have one of it's predecessors, namely Windows Vista or Windows XP. All of these do the same job, but with differing levels of gimmickry. Desktops/laptops can run any of these, but net books/notebooks should be running Windows 7 or XP (they use less resources than Vista, and don't crash half as much). If you're not running Windows, you may be running a Linux or Apple based O/S - congratulations, as you may not have as many problems in the long run as your windows brethren.

As you see from the above, it's vitally important to get it right, but it's not rocket science. Here's the general rule of thumb when it comes to running applications...

• Net book / Notebook - Web browsing, word processing, social networking.
• Laptops - All the above, plus spreadsheets, art, music creation, light games
• Desktops - Almost anything

if you want your ownership of your computer to be as pain free as possible, remember the 1st rule...

"DON'T RUN MORE THAN YOU HAVE TOO"

Welcome!

Hello one and all. If you've come here from my previous site, you'll now roughly what to expect from me - for those who don't allow me to introduce myself...

I'm a over 40. There, I've said it and I don't care. Not only am I an over 40, but I'm a computer expert, in the sense that I've been working with them all my adult life. I've seen things that would make your hair curl - really. I'm also a cartoonist, which means I have a weird outlook on life - if you add all these up, what you have is basically a mad anarchist who can draw a bit, and can fix your laptop (or at least, draw a nice little picture of it before it bursts into flames...)

I fix computers - sometimes my own, sometimes other peoples, and sometimes under duress. In the course of my life, I've witnessed the revolution that is computers for the masses. Computers are great aren't they? (** ducks bricks thrown at monitor **)

Day by day, I've seen healthy, grown men cry in despair as these pieces of electronic mayhem wreck their otherwise peaceful existence with blue screens, flashing lights and seemingly unending problems which would test the patience of the holiest of clergy.

But I'm not here to help you - oh no. I'm here to help you make sense of it all, with insight, humour and a wicked pencil sketch. Hopefully, not only will you leave me educated (e.g. "I'm not going on THAT site again"), but with a sense of well being, or at least, the feeling that you're not alone in all this. So don your tin hat (optional), and join me in the journey...

.. but remember to take some travel sickness pills.