My printer's stopped working, or "50 ways to leave your paperrrr..."

I.T. Specialists have a condition, called "Printer Shudder". It's a very common condition, which results in cold sweats, palpitations and indigestion, and is usually triggered by a certain phrase...

"My printer's stopped working."

At this point, many professionals hardened by a life in the trenches, under constant fire from users, managers & suppliers, have lost the will to live, and have ended their lives using the ancient japanese rite of Hari-Epson-ki (death by a thousand paper cuts).

To ease their ancient burden (and to prevent many a premature, and stingy death), we present to you everything you (as a user) need to know about your printer.

First off, you have 3 basic types of printer -

• Dot Matrix - these print onto paper by punching blunt pins through a inked ribbon, to create characters on your page. Old, but still useful in some cases...
• Ink Jet - these spray small dots of ink onto your page - usually in varying colours. These are the most common home printers...
• Laser - these create a image of your printed page on a special drum using static electricity - the drum is then covered in black powder called toner which sticks to the static image. The drum then transfers the toner to a paper page, which is then heated to fuse the toner to the page as ink.
• Colour Laser - same as a normal laser, but the image is seperated into 4 distinct colours (black, cyan, magenta and yellow), before fusing to the page.
  

Most common problems....

• Connection - make sure your printer is connected to your computer - no connection, no printee...
• Installation - you have installed the printer software for your operating system haven't you? No? Really? Good Grief! Go back to GO, do not pass GO, do not collect £200...
• Power - don't laugh! You have turned the printer on haven't you...
• Paper - make sure you have loaded the paper according to the manual...
• Is the printer ready? Usually, there is a light that shows the printer is ready to print - if that light is not shining, check your printer documentation (you might need to press one of the buttons on the printer to get it going you know...)

Not so common problems...

• Paper Jams - no matter how good you are with your printer, you will have paper jams - it's a fact of life. However, when clearing a paper jam, remember the following...
  • Remove paper slowly and carefully
  • Do not use sharp objects to poke anywhere in the paper path - seriously!
  • Look very carefully for foreign objects (such as paper clips, screws, pins, pencils, coins, sweets, condoms - I'm not kidding here...)
• Faulty ink cartridges - try wiping any electrical contacts with a lint free cloth, or even better, isopropyl alcohol. Replace the cartridges as a last resort...
  
• Marks on toner drums (you can try wiping these off with a lint free cloth.
• Refilled Inks/Toners - I know inks/toners are expensive, but refills are always problematic - any problems, replace with an new cartridge.
• Print Quality - normally cured by using a new ink/toner cartridge - especially true with HP printers...
  

As with many things in life, printers are not rocket science. Simple common sense wins through everytime with these little beasties, but if all else fails, at least they are cheap to buy...

The low down on memory...

If you've worked in support for any length of time, you'll have had a similar conversation to this at least once...

User: Hi there - My computer says it's low on memory
Support: No problem. How much memory does it have?
User: 250 Gigabytes
Support: (groans) No, how much physical memory does your machine have?
User: I told you, 250 Gigs.
Support: (sighs) That's not your memory, that's your hard disk...

OR...

User: Hi There - My computer says it's running low on disk space
Support No problem. How much space do you have free?
User: 4 Gig.
Support: Ok - delete everything from the temporary area.
User: Done!
Support: How much space fo you have free now?
User: 4 Gig.
Support: What? You've just deleted 30 Gigs of porn - you can't still have 4 Gig left...

...And so on...

Why do we receive these calls? Simply because there is confusion in the user's eye between Memory and Storage space, so let's address the problem with our little handy-dandy guide to all things Gigabyte...

Computers need to able to store information, otherwise, they simply couldn't function (and what would be the point in that). Computers need 2 basic types of storage space; storage that can be accessed almost instantly, and storage where the access time doesn't matter. With me so far?

Fast Storage is what we call Random Access Memory (RAM) or Physical Memory - that is, very fast, silicon chip storage space that the computer can use to store data. RAM is very, very fast and volatile i.e. the data only exists in storage as long as electrical power is supplied, which makes RAM ideal for storing data that the computer needs short term e.g. running programs, calculations etc...

In contrast, Slow Storage is used for data that needs to be non-volatile i.e. available to the system after power is removed. The most common form of Slow Storage is in the form of Hard Disk space, which we use to store the Operating System e.g. Windows 7, the programs we wish to use, and the data for those programs that we want to keep (such as photographs). Hard Disks are basically a collection of metal platters which store data magnetically.

Fast Storage is expensive, which is why you have quite a bit less of it than cheap and plentiful Slow Storage. The more Fast Storage you have, the faster your machine will run, but be warned - each machine has a limit on how much Fast Storage it can use.

You may have heard of Flash Drives, USB Sticks or Solid State Drives - these are all forms of Slow Storage that are either faster, more portable, or more reliable than normal Hard Disks. CD / DVD's are Slow Storage that are designed to be read only (you can't put data on them) or read many / write once in the case of DVD / CD writers.

So why the confusion? Simply because both types of storage are measured using the same scale - the Byte. 1 Byte can store a small amount of information (such as a character). 1 MegaByte = 1 Million Bytes (approximately) and 1 GigaByte = 1000 MegaBytes (also approximately), so as you can see, 250 GigaBytes is a lot of information!

Don't get me started on TeraBytes (1000 GigaBytes)... :)

Sorry for the lack of updates recently...

...been very busy at work. Two new posts will be available soon, once I get the cartoons done, so keep checking!